Gestures, sounds, etc. I give off with Asperger's
The way I sound & make gestures
I don’t know why K-Staters haven’t told me what Garrett has, (Please, K-Staters, WHY NOT? I hope to hear from you about this!) but Garrett was the first one who told me I sounded grating when I halt in mid-sentence while talking, thinking of the next words to say. Craig made a similar remark – “too considered.” I act too careful about what I’m about to say. When I make those pauses, I don’t even think about them; it’s something that operates from my sub-conscience.
But when I think about it, it's because I don't ”Walt some-sing Ron to comb outer my mouse”. I'm afraid that if I speak too fast without thinking of what I'm about to say, something wrong and unwanted will come out of my mouth, roughly like the above example. Garrett also said I sounded like William Shatner with my mid-sentence halts, but at least Shatner is confident when he speaks.
Well, not having enough confidence comes from having Asperger's. I too often expect to socially fumble now. Craig said I "appear to approach EVERY social situation like a big (pl)ucking exam." Many social situations do feel like exams when one has to carry around Asperger's for life. If I fail, I could make enemies; those enmities could be life-long.
The gestures
Garrett pointed out my gestures like no K-Stater has thus far! My hand/arm movements may not match my inner feelings. (Once, he said "That annoys the hell outta me.") Also, the bigger deal was the way I tilted my head at times.
If I made like a 45º lean with my head, he'd do the same just to show its awkwardness. Why haven’t peers from home said or done anything similar long ago!? (To that, Garrett said a K-Stater probably just remained polite, hurried to finish talking, and got out of there quickly. K-Staters, do you concur?)
Not only do I not know how to give off the right body gestures for particular situations, I may not notice what others' body gestures mean, and what feelings this reflects. Some nonverbal hints that I'd need to take may be too subtle to notice.
Confidence
First impressions impact the most. They shape the opinion someone will have of you for the rest of your life, for a long time, or at least for a good while. I know how a bad first impression hurts so when I meet new people, it becomes like an exam.
Whereas some may think, "Ah, I sound tense when I meet new people, too. He'll calm down after we know each other better," others may, "This guy's too nervous. Wonder what he's got to hide?! Probably something I'd hate to hear. Or is he just chicken, one of the least brave souls I've met?"
It's that I had something to hide for a long time - once again my Asperger's.
Ultimately, sooner or later, signs of my Asperger's eventually leak out. Being confident and more relaxed (more relaxed = less careful) about how I socialize would/may just leak those Asperger's traits even faster.
That's why I want to wear a mask
Which is why I love ski-masks so much. As goes without saying, it's only appropriate when cold out. I have better confidence talking to people with a ski mask on because if I make a social faux-pas, they'll not remember my face. (My voice can sound like many others' voices.) Since some can tell who I am just by the way my eyes look, I plan to wear it with sunglasses.
It only works outside. Other people will think I'm weird and possibly up to no good if I keep a ski mask on indoors! It's only appropriate indoors on Halloween.
What I love to do on Halloween
Halloween is a great time to go to a party because I'll wear a hooded phantom robe that keeps my face behind a mesh so nobody outside sees it. This way, I ask and tell others all sorts of things that I wouldn't say while my face is shown. Sure, other people may ask/say the same things in normal circumstances, but they're usually confident that it won't turn out to be a mistake, or will shrug it off easily if it is.
Halloween is like the "Real-Life Honesty Box." (If you don't have the application, see it at http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=2552096927 )
(Next topic continued on Part III)
This is very well written and I think you could have a career in writing. So far this reads like a cross between J.D.Salinger and Dylan Thomas. If this journal were to be published I would buy it. You really make the whole baggage and beauty of Asperger's come alive but in a very strange, uncontrived and autistic way. Your friends are idiots for dropping you. You worry too much about whether they like you or not. Let them go scratch sand.
ReplyDeleteMs Cosmiccat