Some bothersome thoughts keep me awake! (Personal Entry)

1. Meeting new people is like disarming a bomb - I cut the right wire and make a friend, or I cut the wrong wire and make a grudge-holder. No wonder I approach social situations like exams (or job interviews) as I told you that afternoon, Cami.

2. Chapman was like an island in the middle of a sea, with the farmland being the sea. There wasn't much to do; a village of less than 1500 was a pretty awful place to grow up. For God's sakes, Dad worked in Topeka for several years while I grew up; that was a 140-mile commute both ways! I'm sure the money spent on fuel every month probably could've been the money used to make a house payment every month.

2a. He also worked in Fort Riley, then Salina for a while. Manhattan's pretty close to Fort Riley, first of all. I would be in a better point in life right now had I grown up in Manhattan. This town has more resources to help kids along better than Chapman had - more tutors and all.

2b. Salina had similar resources as well. I wish Chapman had been hit by a bigger tornado in the early '90s than the one that hit in '08. We'd have been forced to move to a better town. A village of less than 2000 is no place to grow up in. I wish I'd have lived in Salina or Manhattan instead.

3. Will a Persuasion (COMM 525) class ever help me sweet-talk old enemies into letting go of their grudges? I don't need to sweet-talk everybody into anything, but all I want is to resolve every last grudge I come across for the last time.

4. I'm a man of the 21st Century. I wanted no part in the 20th.

5. About the advice to "be yourself:" It's fine to be myself if I only get one enemy every so often, but if the way I am makes me too many enemies, I'm doing SOMETHING wrong, and had better change it!

6. No matter where I am, there is always somebody who doesn't like me. If I don't notice anyone, at least somebody's polite enough to keep it to themselves. If it's their problem, I'll let it be. If I made an offense, it (most likely) wasn't deliberate, so I'd like to clear up a misconstrual as soon as I know about one. If it's because I'm immature in something, we often don't know our own habits until it's pointed out to us. Point out my immaturities then and I'll see it dissolved.

7. Others try to drink alcohol to drown away their grief. (Really, it only gets washed downstream where it swims ashore and hikes back to you.) I try to drown my grief by making these journals about it.

7a. If anyone specific causes me trouble and any other kind of emotional harm, I'll hide them behind aliases when I write about them. Otherwise, using their real names could cause more trouble than they're worth. (For example: "Melhan Dapponary," "Jeanessa Ryndella DeSpatznio," and "Bimi Martaquifer" are aliases based on real people.)

8. Lately, I feel that the more I'm careful with conversing with people, the MORE I'm likely to fail! And yet, every time I fail in however I socialize, I feel compelled to be even MORE careful. Isn't this becoming a positive feedback loop; a snowballing effect?

9. People tell me to relax when I socialize. I suppose if I know the person is older, then I may. Then the younger people assume I am, the less I feel compelled to be "careful." My subconscious keeps telling me that the less careful I am when socializing, the more I'll come off as "immature" when I do.

10. Which is why I've tried to look younger before. I took collagen powder in Japan, and either that was just snake oil (ehh, snake powder); a way to make money through false promises, or I didn't take enough of it. I didn't finish it when I started my 15-day hop back home and I'm sure I took it with me; wouldn't know where it is now.

10a. I've been meaning to get electrolyzing permanent hair-removal products because excess body hair just makes me look older. Why do I need it if it also adds weight to myself? Also, removing hair from certain parts of me forever will make me lower-maintenance (with shaving and all.) Heidi says I look best while clean-shaven anyway. The human body is high enough maintenance as it is.

10b. I don't know when I'll find the right dental insurance I'd need to get $4,000 braces. Consensus is I need them, and I think braces will knock about 3-4 years off of how old I look. If they're typically worn by middle & high schoolers, they'll give a more youthful look when I wear them.

11. I have something to hide, which explains why I can't realize my full self-confidential potential until I overcome whatever it is I'm hiding. I'm starting to know Tansly little-by-little, and I have a feeling that he has what I have, though I'm unsure as of yet. We seem to exhibit similar tendencies and other similarities.

Conclusion (in the meantime): I now feel more relaxed thanks to writing this note. Yet more steam released from my system now. =-]